By the end, the months-long run-up to the Oscars can seem like a death march for the weary nominees, not to mention the “teams” around them, the marketers behind the elaborate campaigns, and the awards media that covers it all like it’s Biden vs. Trump. This year, with the late-March show and onerous Covid protocols, it’s even worse. When I was at The Hollywood Reporter, a few of us vented with an annual feature called Awards Season Awards, which chronicled the absurdities of the billion-dollar Oscars Industrial Complex. 

Alas, that franchise died when I left a couple years ago, so I’m reviving it here as Oscar Week officially kicks off in L.A. So enjoy these 22 categories, all of which are presented here live and in full—unlike the winners on the actual show.

Most Emotional Plea for an Oscar Ticket

Rachel Zegler
The West Side Story star posted today on her Instagram that she’s hoping for “some last minute miracle” after being left off the invite list. A Disney insider notes she’s shooting the Snow White sequel in London and is No. 1 on the call sheet, and co-star Ansel Elgort isn’t attending either because they aren’t nominated. But let’s see how long this lasts. Spielberg hates to be embarrassed, and he could certainly pay for any production delays out of his very large pocket.